Sunday, June 10, 2007

Top Ten Funny Things I'd Like to see at SBL

I know it is earlier than my normal rant about SBL. But here are ten strange, funny, and weird things I'd like to see at SBL this year, including:

10. The blogger Jim West (he wasn't there last year and he's funny to look at).

9. Mark Goodacre chair a seminar with the words "The Demise of the Farrar-Goulder Theory" in the title.

8. Scholars Barry Matlock and Doug Campbell engage in a fist fight at the "Faith of Jesus Christ" seminar that myself and Preston Sprinkle are chairing. The battle royale will be called, "Mutton-Kissing Kiwi vs. NASCAR-loving Red Neck".

7. Blogger James Crossley to have an apparition of the risen Jerry Falwell as a result of the economic climate and rise of social banditry in Sheffield, leading to the sociomorphic translation of economic beliefs into spiritual ones aroused also by a deep sense of subconscious guilt for his disparaging remarks against fundamentalists in the past.

6. Blogger Ben Myers to be voted president of the Cornelius Van Til Society.

5. To have a conversation with blogger Michael Barber and see if he can talk for five minutes without using the words "Eucharist", "Exile", "Pope", or "John Paul".

4. I give a paper at the Christian Origins seminar under the pseudonymn Vladamir Luedemann (Joseph Stalin Professor of Biblical Studies at University of Wisconsin) and tout the superiority of the feminist, marxist, atheist, secular, eco, eskimo, and post-colonialist approach to biblical studies and insist that everyone else is a pseudo-scholar.

3. I persuade my co-blogger, Joel Willitts, to pretend to be my gay partner so that we can sneak into the exclusive and lush Harvard Divinity School reception as former graduates who got married in Canada last year and now teach in an Episcopal seminary somewhere in New York.

2. I see somebody actually buy one of my books!

[This next one is draw].

1a. Nick Perrin and April DeConick put aside their manifold differences when they discover that they are both crazy about collecting antique spoons and share a common interest in 19th century Italian napkins.

1b. I see N.T. Wright running for his life into a local Cathedral crying out "Sanctuary, Sanctuary, Sanctuary" as he is chased by a mob of highly conservative Presbyterians from ETS armed with pitchforks and crosses, yelling to the on-lookers "Avert your eyes people, he may change form".

[Explanation of this post: It is late, I have a badly injured hamstring and desperately require TLC, I miss my wife and youngest daughter who are in Australia at the moment, work is too hectic, my football team is not doing well, my sister-in-law has just arrived, and doing something funny makes me cheerful. So if you were target, take it with a pinch of salt, and try to laugh with me].


Mark Goodacre said...

The fellow giving the paper under number 9 is clearly not the real Mark Goodacre since he doesn't know how to spell Farrer :)

Groseys messages said...

:) hope you feel better Mike,
There is only one problem with the post for us naive pastor types.. what is an SBL?
Hey we are having floods here in Newcastle, get your boogey board out mate and come surf the real pipelines under the roads!
My new Magna has become a submersible! :( sort of like the tank that the guys in transport (Jason and D?) sank in the George's River at East Hills!
See ya
take care.

Jim said...

I'll be there! 1) so you have something (someone???) to laugh at and 2) to make people a bit uneasy.


Bob MacDonald said...

well done Vladimir - perhaps we'll meet in San Diego

Michael Barber said...

Oooh, harsh but fair.

Well, well... I still do hope we can get together at SBL, however, I suppose you'll most of the talking.

Nonetheless, I'll be counting how many times you say, "My review of", "inerrancy," and "Joel Willitts.


Chris Tilling said...

A terribly offensive post.
Especially point 2.

Danny Zacharias said...

I didn't realize you and Joel were that close :-)

W. Travis McMaken said...

Many of these are very funny, by 1b is absolutely hysterical!

Anonymous said...

Wow. This post is hilarious, but it's the sad kind of hilarious, since I have no one to share it with who would actually get it, haha.

Jon said...

Tell you something I'd like to see (if I was going - so this is a fairly hypothetical post) at the SBL Conference - or at all for that matter.

The last time I saw NTW he was loaded up with 'bling' - I'd like him to release a rap record and refer to himself as "Da Bish Ov Da Dizzle"... Maybe you could organise that?

Ben Myers said...

"Ben Myers to be voted president of the Cornelius Van Til Society" -- yes, I'm hoping that will happen. And in my opening presidential address, I'll make the announcement: "This society is hereby disbanded, and all membership fees will be redirected to the Karl Barth Society."

Naomi said...

JUst to let you know honey I miss you lots too and I'm counting the days till we met again. I'll never leave for 5 wks again.