Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Five things not to do in sermons!

5. Do not yell out at the top of your voice, "Will someone shut that kid up!" even if you want to say it.

4. Do not repeatedly scratch your genitals if you have a transparent perspecs lecturn as your pulpit.

3. Do not try to break the record for how many power-point slides you can fit into a sermon.

2. Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, quote the Left Behind series.

1. Do not begin your sermon by saying: "I'm gay and Jesus loves me" and then pausing for a long time. Note: I have actually done this. It was a sermon about homosexuality and I was quoting a UMC minister who had recently outed himself, but a Deacon in the frontrow nearly had a coronary before I could put the quote into its proper context.


Juan said...

Thanks I needed the laugh!


Ben Myers said...

Yes, and it's even worse if your wife is the deacon in the front row....

Richard said...

That's great, Michael! I have to know, though, if it's ok to scratch once, as long as it's not *repeatedly*?!

BTW -- this is my first time commenting on your blog, but I read it daily. Thanks for the great views, reviews, and humor.

-- Richard

minternational said...

I once started a sermon by saying, 'Friends, I havwe some solemn news to share with you: our friend David Bishop has died...' - David was, in fact, alive and well and in my line of sight. I paused slightly then added, 'That's what our text tells us and the same is true of every Christian.' (I was preaching from Colossians 3). Only trouble was, I assumed everyone present would have seen David by then (it was a small congregation in a small building); alas, no. One lady nearly fainted and let out an audible gasp of horror. I had planned the introduction that afternoon and had spent much of my time making sure I would be able to carry it off without laughing. My wife thought it was in terribly bad taste and was disgusted with me.

David Bishop found it incredibly affirming. Good man.

Ian said...

I'm sitting in the library at Liberty University doing research, and this post just made me giggle outloud. The last thing I want is for somebody here to enquire as to what was so funny!